A thinking model that makes you a leader

There are many leadership styles: democratic, authoritative, coaching, visionary, lessez faire -which comes from French – and literally means let it make (or non-literally and which makes more sense – let it be) – and so many more. And if you don’t know which one fits you, I’m sure that you can find many online questionnaires and quizzes to find out in 15 minutes or less which style is yours.

But, I want to talk about two other types of leaders: the formal and informal leaders.

A Formal Leader is someone who has a title, someone who has been appointed as a leader: in politics, organisations, groups , communities and even families.

An Informal Leader is someone who is naturally followed by people because of their attitude, because of their power to influence or because they represent a model for those who follow them.

Use the following thinking model to become an informal leader at home, at work or in community. This model of thinking will significantly improve your mindset and will empower you on a daily basis.

This model we often use in coaching, is called above the line – below the line thinking.

For the sake of the exercise, lets draw a horizontal line – just like in this picture. Spoiler alert! To be a functional human being you must always try to stay above the line.

You may have heard of this thinking model , it’s often referred to as victims vs victors, or fixed vs growth mindset, but no matter how you call it, it’s still going to be easier to see it as above the line, below the line.

What does this model do for us?

It allows us to become solution oriented, rather than problem driven, it allows to deliver outcomes, results and detangle the wires that keep us stuck.

No problem can be solved by the same level of consciousness that create it
Albert Einstein

What this quote actually says is that we cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created it.

Let’s see what below the line thinking looks like:

Below the line we have: blame, excuses, justification, denial, avoidance, that victim mentality – where it’s not our fault, or someone else must come to rescue, there is always a problem band almost never a solution.

See this below the line thinking example when receiving feedback:

“Alex I think you could’ve been softer with that customer, although he was rude, he was right, we absolutely done wrong by him.” A reply with below line thinking would sound like this: yes, but!( whatever comes after “BUT” is useless, just as if you would take a sponge and erased it) yes, but, he was yelling or << insert any excuse >>

With answers like this, we do not allow ourselves to grow and to learn. We do not create choices, we do not look for resources instead we choose, consciously or unconsciously to stay the same and as a result of holding on to this thinking we experience overwhelm, stress and even anxiety and depression. It doesn’t mean we can immediately change it, we sometimes come up with defensive answers, excuses and blame because we are not aware that we blame and make excuses – plus! nobody likes to be criticised and corrected.

Above the line we have the opposite: we have responsibility, accountability, ownership, solutions, choices – no excuses, no blame.

This is where a functional adult sits. Above the line is where we consciously choose what is happening, we are in control of our thinking, of our actions and responses – when we reach here life happens for us – not to us – just like Tony Robbins says.

This is where the victors are.

The easiest way to step above the line is to make a decision to stay open, curious and grateful.

An above the line example for the above feedback, would be: I appreciate you bringing this up, I will definitely use my empathy next time, after all, I understand very well what he was going through”.

Is this something easy to do? Absolutely NOT.

We all have different backgrounds and environments and sometimes we learn that it’s ok to make an excuse – “they will understand” – oh sorry I’m late, the traffic was terrible . Sure.

You know what? Nobody cares! You can use millions of excuse and live in blame and justification as much as you want; people move on, the world moves on. The only one who will have something to lose is you! Why? Because you let go of your power to something that is outside of you, you allow traffic be more powerful than your own will to leave the house a bit earlier and make it on time. And if you let go of your power one excuse at the time, what are you left with?

This thinking model is one of the first things that will make you an informal leader. To become an informal leader is rewarding because other people see an example in you, they see someone who they want to model – a formal leader, on the other hand it chosen by a title, their power disappears as soon as that title changes.

Who do you want to be? Where do you want to sit… below the line or above the line?

Do you trust your colleagues?

A few years ago, I was in a training to become a trainer for a topic I was (and still am) in love with – Emotional Intelligence. I made friends with most of the attendees, which was fun. For a couple of hours.

At some point, the trainer asked a question:

Do you trust your colleagues?

I was in my early twenties and I thought… this is no brainer… of course I do! so I say “YES” out loud. And all (ALL) other attendees said NO almost at the same time.

I was a bit confused, but I figured, it’s ok…we have a trainer, we’ll be ok, she will explain….

And the trainer looked at me and asked me again: Alex, do you trust your colleagues? I turned all red, everyone was now looking at me, I was after all the ‘odd one’ and they were all waiting for me to answer.

Someone else from the group decided to change their answer and say: “yes, I also trust them, until they prove me wrong.”

I said: yes, I do… barely hearing my own voice, honestly; and slightly questioning myself at this point.

To which she replied …. “See, you can’t trust anyone. We are all here to do a job, and that is all there is to it. We are all different, I can’t be sure that you will do a great job at hiring the right candidate (I was in HR) because I don’t know how you judge characters, for example”. I mean … she made a point. My colleagues seemed to enjoy it and agree with it.

I insisted a bit more on how we need to trust our colleagues but I have to admit I wasn’t prepared enough for that conversation back then.

But now… now I have a few questions.

1. If you can’t trust your colleagues to do their job, how can they trust you to do yours?

2. If you trust your colleagues until “they prove your otherwise”, is it trust, really? Or is the opposite of it (suspicion, distrust); basically just waiting for the other person to fail and then “prove” you that you “were right”.

3. Do you trust your friends?

Who do you really trust?

There is one thing that is common to every individual, relationship, team, family, organization, nation, economy and civilization throughout the world – one thing which, if removed, will destroy the most powerful government, the most successful business, the most thriving economy, the most influential leadership, the greatest friendship, the strongest character, the deepest love. […]
That one thing is trust
—Stephen M. R. Covey

“You see”, trust is something we learn from a very early stage of life. Trust is mutual. Trust is earned. Trust is built. Trust is learnt. Trust is taught. Trust is a feeling not a task.

And trust starts with yourself. Having trust in yourself is about the simple things: keeping your promises and your commitments, becoming believable to yourself and to others, doing what you say you’d do and staying tru to your values; it boils down to one, even simpler, question: Am I someone I would trust?

I’m not saying you should be gullible, let people mock you or walk all over you. That’s not trust in the first place. Build healthy boundaries and don’t allow people to take advantage of you and at the same time, do some homework on how to trust yourself and others.

Self trust is the first secret of success…the essence of heroism
—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Got a conflict? Here are 5 different approaches to tackle it!

Managers deal with conflict all the time. As a leader, your role is to understand the mission of the workgroup, how that supports the mission of the organisation, articulate that mission to the employees and others outside the organisation and support your team to accomplish that mission. That frequently involves resolving differences and disagreement within the team. Often, we don’t label this as “conflict resolution” because we listen, respond and resolve them in the workplace before these differences accumulate enough emotional dust to be visible.

What is “conflict” then? Conflict is mostly defined as a serious disagreement, a dispute or opposing arguments. To make it simpler, conflict happens when what you want, need or expect interferes with what someone else wants, needs or expects. It may be a disagreement over what information to add to your Friday presentation, data, resources, or it may go as far as relationships, values and identity.

Conflict has different levels and the more you leave it unsolved the closer you get to unsolvable situations (which may require an outsider or even legal advice to fix it). Clearly, no one wants to reach that point.

When dealing with a conflict, choose one of the below characteristics that describes you best:

I let it go, even if it means that nothing is settled.
I prefer to do what others want for the good of the relationship.
I focus more on my goals and less on what others want.
Everyone should accept a little less than what she / he wants so we can all get back to work.
I go through great lengths to understand what is important to others and to make sure they understand what is important to me.

Most of us have preferences and patterns for the choices we make. And sometimes our approach works just fine. Some other times the same approach may be self-defeating and limiting. Understanding your own approach to conflict can help you make better decisions when dealing with it. Learning how people you work with approach it, will give you additional tools to manage conflict effectively.

The good news is: there is no right approach to deal with conflicts, and each one may be appropriate in certain circumstance and inappropriate in others. The art of conflict resolution stands in learning how to use different style with different people or situations.

Abraham Maslow said: “When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.”

For each of the statements mentioned at the beginning of the article, there is an approach as shown in the picture.

The first statement: “I let it go, even if it means that nothing is settled” sits in the lower left side of the figure and it’s a statement of avoiding.

The positive side of the AVOIDING:

Letting go of the problems that in the big scheme of things are just not that big a deal.
Avoiding a greater conflict, not banging your head against a brick wall to no good end.
Sometimes people need to cool off … or you need to cool off; or you just need some time to understand the situation, to gather more information. This is a tactical avoidance; it’s a short-term response. It gives you time to revisit the conflict when you are better prepared.

The downside of AVOIDING:

Small problems get bigger. Avoidance may seem the best road to take, until a negative behaviour becomes a pattern.
It may cause unfair treatment, letting go of a small conflict with one of the employees may reduce motivation in others: “Why bother doing the right thing when he/she gets away with it?”
No records. Thinking it’s solving itself, doesn’t really work. Avoiding situations of conflict with a poor performer without keeping any records for months or years will give you no justification to take corrective actions against him/her because of lack of evidence.

Often appropriate – when the problem is relatively unimportant, time is short and a decision is not necessary.

Often inappropriate – when negative behaviour builds up, feelings linger and problems that need to be addressed are not resolved.

Tip: Create a safe environment to deal with the issues, give the other party time to explain / fix the problem.

The second statement: “I prefer to do what others want for the good of the relationship” sits on the lower right side of the figure and it’s a statement of accommodating.

The positive side of ACCOMMODATING:

Accommodating springs from great feelings of empathy and compassion: “your problem is greater than mine”, “ what can I do to help you?”
It shows a great spirit of cooperation. When someone is piled up with deadlines, the accommodating one will be there to show support and help.
It’s a great asset when dealing with customer service, both internally and externally.

The downside of ACCOMMODATING:

Unlimited accommodating can’t be sustained over time, you’ll eventually run out of energy or resources.
Sometime it may encourage others to take advantage of your style.
You risk missing your own deadlines to help others.

Often appropriate – when the issue greater than your tasks and favours are traded over time.

Often inappropriate – when others keep benefiting from your kindness and experience.

Tip: Raise the problems without confrontation, assure the other person that the relationship or personality traits are not issue.

The third statement: “I focus more on my goals and less on what others want” sits in the upper left side of the figure and it’s a statement of directing.

The positive side of DIRECTING:

Solid directions – a good argument can bring everyone together.
States clear terms of what needs to be done, when and how. Everyone enjoys working with a manager who’s confident and sets expectations right.
Healthy directing brings out the best in each of us. The energy and thought processes that go with good directing raise the standards for everyone.

The downside of DIRECTING:

People who are always in a competitive mode are often fixated on being right and other ideas may not be considered or solicitated.
Every disagreement may turn into a win-lose contest.
Even the best managers need the support of others, if you keep your competitive mode always on, you may quickly realise that you fight all the battles by yourself.

Often appropriate: when an immediate decision is needed.

Often inappropriate: when others ideas are not taken into consideration it may lead to frustration and resentment.

Tip: Respect the other person’s knowledge and experience, help him/her identify how is it in their best interest to cooperate or listen.

The fourth statement: “Everyone should accept a little less than what she / he wants so we can all get back to work” sits in the upper middle side of the figure and it’s a statement of compromising.

The positive side of COMPROMISING:

Traditional bargaining may seem to work well with here: “I help you, you help me”, “I give something and I get something in return”
When you have limited resources, compromising has the potential to give everyone an acceptable resolution

The downside of COMPROMISING:

People can be too quick to jump to an intermediate solution and get a less satisfactory result.
Compromising could become more of a game than a decision making tool. When people expect a compromising situation, they may thwart the process, expecting a “good enough solution”

Often appropriate: when finding a solution is better than winning.

Often inappropriate: when you accept less and it affects the business or the people.

Tip: Slow down. Gather information, make sure you understand what’s at stake before dropping to conclusions.

The fifth statement: “I go through great lengths to understand what is important to others and to make sure they understand what is important to me” sits in the upper right side of the figure and it’s a statement of collaborating.

The positive side of COLLABORATING:

Everyone has their needs and expectations met.
Collaborating on a solution builds support for the decision, by working together, everyone’s opinion matters and when leaving the room employees have a stronger sense of commitment and ownership.
Collaborating builds relationships. Trust between employees and managers strengthens.

The downside of COLLABORATING:

Sometimes collaborating takes more time than anyone has.
Collaborating may be used to not making a decision at all
When the resources are limited, there is no possible way to come to a conclusion that satisfies everyone.

Often appropriate: when both the issue and the relationship are important to both parties.

Often inappropriate: when the resources are limited, time is short and the issue is unimportant.

Tip: Set realistic deadlines and expectations. Encourage the other party to take responsibility for the decisions without fear.

Balancing organisation’s needs with your employees’ needs is not an easy task, and as leader you may need to change your style once in a while, according to the issues you solve or the people you deal with. Try as much as possible to get to know your team and bear in mind everyone has a different style when dealing with problems and that their style may change when under pressure. (As yours may change too)

Remember, small problems don’t always stay small. Clear and regular communication could become your ally and perhaps you don’t have to deal with conflicts at all.

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.” (Mahatma Gandhi)

The Blind Spot

A blind spot is an aspect of your behaviour that you can’t see and impacts others in a negative manner or it prevents you from reaching your goals.

It represents all the other things people know about you, yet you are unaware of; for example: you’re being very loud in a meeting, you’re interrupting others to make a point… Unless someone gives you feedback about it, you cannot begin to correct it.

Business blind spots happen because we lack self-awareness and we fail to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes.

Three reasons that place us in the blind spot:

Self-centred approach that leads to poor listening skills
Resistance to change that prevents you from growing / learning
Not asking for feedback from co-workers (or not working on it when received)

How do you eliminate the blind spots?

Get feedback about things you do, formally or informally; Ask questions: “How did you find my presentation?” “ What could I have done better in this meeting?”
Observe your co-workers while giving a presentation or a speech: Are they on their phones? Did they start yawning? If so, adjust your style on the go – move to the next topic faster, introduce a joke
Work on the feedback received. If someone highlights something you’re doing wrong, work on it, take the time to evaluate your actions

Continuous learning and self-assessment will put you on the right track and clear your way to success.

What do you think about blind spots? Did you identify any in your area?