Managers deal with conflict all the time. As a leader, your role is to understand the mission of the workgroup, how that supports the mission of the organisation, articulate that mission to the employees and others outside the organisation and support your team to accomplish that mission. That frequently involves resolving differences and disagreement within the team. Often, we don’t label this as “conflict resolution” because we listen, respond and resolve them in the workplace before these differences accumulate enough emotional dust to be visible.

What is “conflict” then? Conflict is mostly defined as a serious disagreement, a dispute or opposing arguments. To make it simpler, conflict happens when what you want, need or expect interferes with what someone else wants, needs or expects. It may be a disagreement over what information to add to your Friday presentation, data, resources, or it may go as far as relationships, values and identity.

Conflict has different levels and the more you leave it unsolved the closer you get to unsolvable situations (which may require an outsider or even legal advice to fix it). Clearly, no one wants to reach that point.

When dealing with a conflict, choose one of the below characteristics that describes you best:

1. I let it go, even if it means that nothing is settled.
2. I prefer to do what others want for the good of the relationship.
3. I focus more on my goals and less on what others want.
4. Everyone should accept a little less than what she / he wants so we can all get back to work.
5. I go through great lengths to understand what is important to others and to make sure they understand what is important to me.

Most of us have preferences and patterns for the choices we make. And sometimes our approach works just fine. Some other times the same approach may be self-defeating and limiting. Understanding your own approach to conflict can help you make better decisions when dealing with it. Learning how people you work with approach it, will give you additional tools to manage conflict effectively.

The good news is: there is no right approach to deal with conflicts, and each one may be appropriate in certain circumstance and inappropriate in others. The art of conflict resolution stands in learning how to use different style with different people or situations.

Abraham Maslow said: “When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.”

For each of the statements mentioned at the beginning of the article, there is an approach as shown in the picture.

The first statement: “I let it go, even if it means that nothing is settled” sits in the lower left side of the figure and it’s a statement of avoiding.

The positive side of the AVOIDING:

• Letting go of the problems that in the big scheme of things are just not that big a deal.
• Avoiding a greater conflict, not banging your head against a brick wall to no good end.
• Sometimes people need to cool off … or you need to cool off; or you just need some time to understand the situation, to gather more information. This is a tactical avoidance; it’s a short-term response. It gives you time to revisit the conflict when you are better prepared.

The downside of AVOIDING:

• Small problems get bigger. Avoidance may seem the best road to take, until a negative behaviour becomes a pattern.
• It may cause unfair treatment, letting go of a small conflict with one of the employees may reduce motivation in others: “Why bother doing the right thing when he/she gets away with it?”
• No records. Thinking it’s solving itself, doesn’t really work. Avoiding situations of conflict with a poor performer without keeping any records for months or years will give you no justification to take corrective actions against him/her because of lack of evidence.

Often appropriate – when the problem is relatively unimportant, time is short and a decision is not necessary.

Often inappropriate – when negative behaviour builds up, feelings linger and problems that need to be addressed are not resolved.

Tip: Create a safe environment to deal with the issues, give the other party time to explain / fix the problem.

The second statement: “I prefer to do what others want for the good of the relationship” sits on the lower right side of the figure and it’s a statement of accommodating.

The positive side of ACCOMMODATING:

• Accommodating springs from great feelings of empathy and compassion: “your problem is greater than mine”, “ what can I do to help you?”
• It shows a great spirit of cooperation. When someone is piled up with deadlines, the accommodating one will be there to show support and help.
• It’s a great asset when dealing with customer service, both internally and externally.

The downside of ACCOMMODATING:

• Unlimited accommodating can’t be sustained over time, you’ll eventually run out of energy or resources.
• Sometime it may encourage others to take advantage of your style.
• You risk missing your own deadlines to help others.

Often appropriate – when the issue greater than your tasks and favours are traded over time.

Often inappropriate – when others keep benefiting from your kindness and experience.

Tip: Raise the problems without confrontation, assure the other person that the relationship or personality traits are not issue.

The third statement: “I focus more on my goals and less on what others want” sits in the upper left side of the figure and it’s a statement of directing.

The positive side of DIRECTING:

• Solid directions – a good argument can bring everyone together.
• States clear terms of what needs to be done, when and how. Everyone enjoys working with a manager who’s confident and sets expectations right.
• Healthy directing brings out the best in each of us. The energy and thought processes that go with good directing raise the standards for everyone.

The downside of DIRECTING:

• People who are always in a competitive mode are often fixated on being right and other ideas may not be considered or solicitated.
• Every disagreement may turn into a win-lose contest.
• Even the best managers need the support of others, if you keep your competitive mode always on, you may quickly realise that you fight all the battles by yourself.

Often appropriate: when an immediate decision is needed.

Often inappropriate: when others ideas are not taken into consideration it may lead to frustration and resentment.

Tip: Respect the other person’s knowledge and experience, help him/her identify how is it in their best interest to cooperate or listen.

The fourth statement: “Everyone should accept a little less than what she / he wants so we can all get back to work” sits in the upper middle side of the figure and it’s a statement of compromising.

The positive side of COMPROMISING:

• Traditional bargaining may seem to work well with here: “I help you, you help me”, “I give something and I get something in return”
• When you have limited resources, compromising has the potential to give everyone an acceptable resolution

The downside of COMPROMISING:

• People can be too quick to jump to an intermediate solution and get a less satisfactory result.
• Compromising could become more of a game than a decision making tool. When people expect a compromising situation, they may thwart the process, expecting a “good enough solution”

Often appropriate: when finding a solution is better than winning.

Often inappropriate: when you accept less and it affects the business or the people.

Tip: Slow down. Gather information, make sure you understand what’s at stake before dropping to conclusions.

The fifth statement: “I go through great lengths to understand what is important to others and to make sure they understand what is important to me” sits in the upper right side of the figure and it’s a statement of collaborating.

The positive side of COLLABORATING:

• Everyone has their needs and expectations met.
• Collaborating on a solution builds support for the decision, by working together, everyone’s opinion matters and when leaving the room employees have a stronger sense of commitment and ownership.
• Collaborating builds relationships. Trust between employees and managers strengthens.

The downside of COLLABORATING:

• Sometimes collaborating takes more time than anyone has.
• Collaborating may be used to not making a decision at all
• When the resources are limited, there is no possible way to come to a conclusion that satisfies everyone.

Often appropriate: when both the issue and the relationship are important to both parties.

Often inappropriate: when the resources are limited, time is short and the issue is unimportant.

Tip: Set realistic deadlines and expectations. Encourage the other party to take responsibility for the decisions without fear.

Balancing organisation’s needs with your employees’ needs is not an easy task, and as leader you may need to change your style once in a while, according to the issues you solve or the people you deal with. Try as much as possible to get to know your team and bear in mind everyone has a different style when dealing with problems and that their style may change when under pressure. (As yours may change too)

 Remember, small problems don’t always stay small. Clear and regular communication could become your ally and perhaps you don’t have to deal with conflicts at all.

 “Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.” (Mahatma Gandhi)