What if “quiet quitting” is not that quiet?

Quiet quitting refers to the act of an employee becoming disengaged and discontented with their job to the point that they no longer feel valued or appreciated. Instead of openly expressing their dissatisfaction or seeking to resolve the issue, they simply disengage from their work and become emotionally detached.

Furthermore, a culture of quiet quitting can lead to a toxic work environment, where employees are afraid to speak up or share their ideas for fear of being ignored or dismissed. This can stifle innovation and creativity, ultimately hindering the growth and success of any company.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

When employees are driven to quietly quit due to being undervalued or overlooked, it can lead to a loss of talent and potential for a company, big or small – talent is equality important in both. It’s crucial for leaders and employers to pay attention to the subtle signs and suggestions from their employees to create a culture of growth and progress.

It’s critical to recognise that employees who go above and beyond their job duties often do so out of a desire to contribute to the company and make a difference. When their efforts are dismissed or ignored, it can cause frustration and a lack of motivation to continue striving for excellence.

It’s disheartening to be overlooked and disregarded despite being eager and enthusiastic about making progress.

Sometimes, employees may tolerate minor setbacks, and leaders may intentionally or unintentionally overlook small indications. There may be subtle hints that go unheeded, as well as ignored proposals and “noise cancellation” that still makes an impact. All in all, it’s rarely a quiet process.

Three simple things leaders can do to avoid a disengaged, demotivated employee who could leave (quietly to not):

Listen actively.When an employee speaks up or seeks support, a great way to show them they matter is to actively listen to their ideas or grievances; pay close attentions to what is being said and what is not being said, by assessing the non-verbal cues, such as their tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, to gain a deeper understanding of what is really going on.
Provide open and constructive feedback: if something cannot be done immediately, when can it be done? Give them a timeline, a plan of action and feedback on what they could improve (if additional skills are required for their role)
Acknowledge their contributions to create a positive and supportive work environment. It is crucial to recognise and appreciate the efforts of employees who strive to do more than what is expected of them, as this can motivate and inspire others to do the same.

Today, employees don’t choose jobs, they choose other leaders, visions, missions, careers.

Make them worth their while!

A thinking model that makes you a leader

There are many leadership styles: democratic, authoritative, coaching, visionary, lessez faire -which comes from French – and literally means let it make (or non-literally and which makes more sense – let it be) – and so many more. And if you don’t know which one fits you, I’m sure that you can find many online questionnaires and quizzes to find out in 15 minutes or less which style is yours.

But, I want to talk about two other types of leaders: the formal and informal leaders.

A Formal Leader is someone who has a title, someone who has been appointed as a leader: in politics, organisations, groups , communities and even families.

An Informal Leader is someone who is naturally followed by people because of their attitude, because of their power to influence or because they represent a model for those who follow them.

Use the following thinking model to become an informal leader at home, at work or in community. This model of thinking will significantly improve your mindset and will empower you on a daily basis.

This model we often use in coaching, is called above the line – below the line thinking.

For the sake of the exercise, lets draw a horizontal line – just like in this picture. Spoiler alert! To be a functional human being you must always try to stay above the line.

You may have heard of this thinking model , it’s often referred to as victims vs victors, or fixed vs growth mindset, but no matter how you call it, it’s still going to be easier to see it as above the line, below the line.

What does this model do for us?

It allows us to become solution oriented, rather than problem driven, it allows to deliver outcomes, results and detangle the wires that keep us stuck.

No problem can be solved by the same level of consciousness that create it
Albert Einstein

What this quote actually says is that we cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created it.

Let’s see what below the line thinking looks like:

Below the line we have: blame, excuses, justification, denial, avoidance, that victim mentality – where it’s not our fault, or someone else must come to rescue, there is always a problem band almost never a solution.

See this below the line thinking example when receiving feedback:

“Alex I think you could’ve been softer with that customer, although he was rude, he was right, we absolutely done wrong by him.” A reply with below line thinking would sound like this: yes, but!( whatever comes after “BUT” is useless, just as if you would take a sponge and erased it) yes, but, he was yelling or << insert any excuse >>

With answers like this, we do not allow ourselves to grow and to learn. We do not create choices, we do not look for resources instead we choose, consciously or unconsciously to stay the same and as a result of holding on to this thinking we experience overwhelm, stress and even anxiety and depression. It doesn’t mean we can immediately change it, we sometimes come up with defensive answers, excuses and blame because we are not aware that we blame and make excuses – plus! nobody likes to be criticised and corrected.

Above the line we have the opposite: we have responsibility, accountability, ownership, solutions, choices – no excuses, no blame.

This is where a functional adult sits. Above the line is where we consciously choose what is happening, we are in control of our thinking, of our actions and responses – when we reach here life happens for us – not to us – just like Tony Robbins says.

This is where the victors are.

The easiest way to step above the line is to make a decision to stay open, curious and grateful.

An above the line example for the above feedback, would be: I appreciate you bringing this up, I will definitely use my empathy next time, after all, I understand very well what he was going through”.

Is this something easy to do? Absolutely NOT.

We all have different backgrounds and environments and sometimes we learn that it’s ok to make an excuse – “they will understand” – oh sorry I’m late, the traffic was terrible . Sure.

You know what? Nobody cares! You can use millions of excuse and live in blame and justification as much as you want; people move on, the world moves on. The only one who will have something to lose is you! Why? Because you let go of your power to something that is outside of you, you allow traffic be more powerful than your own will to leave the house a bit earlier and make it on time. And if you let go of your power one excuse at the time, what are you left with?

This thinking model is one of the first things that will make you an informal leader. To become an informal leader is rewarding because other people see an example in you, they see someone who they want to model – a formal leader, on the other hand it chosen by a title, their power disappears as soon as that title changes.

Who do you want to be? Where do you want to sit… below the line or above the line?

3 Simple ways to start a gratitude journal

Are you into journaling yet? Is this just a temporary hype or “cool thing” to do or are there real benefits to journaling and expressing gratitude?

It turns our there are heaps of benefits in journaling and expressing gratitude.

Firstly, for those around you! Nobody wants a grumpy, ungrateful friend who’s always against you and never grateful for what you do and who you are. Yes, we should be grateful for who we are and for who those around us choose to be when they are with us.

Secondly, for you. Keep reading to find out some of the benefits of practicing gratitude.

Recently, (around the time when positive psychology came to exist ~1998) gratitude has become and has since been used as part of positive psychology, therapy and life coaching and it has been proven to increase general wellbeing, positivity and to help people deal with uncertainty and personal challenges.

Some of the benefits of practicing gratitude are:

It increases overall happiness and as result of that, people experience less stress, less depression and more satisfaction
Confidence increases as a result of being grateful for who you are, what you can do, what you can accept and for the ability of making choices in life
It’s directly connected with mindfulness hence it leads to self-acceptance, appreciation for self, for others and for the environment
It helps you identify feelings and dig deeper into getting to know the root of what you feel and why you are feeling it
It enables us to become better people (it increases empathy towards others); by being grateful for what you have and who you are daily, self awareness increases and social / interpersonal relationships improve

Did you try a gratitude journal? Take this free test to understand how grateful you are and maybe consider starting a one.

If journaling doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t worry … it happened to me too and you’re so not alone! As a matter of fact, most people who start journaling give up soon after – and guess what – most people who start it, they do it because something happened to them (they mostly record negative experiences or daily diet entries) and as soon as they pass the experience, they stop. So, no judgement here! but if you do want to start one, start simple, start with easy, small steps and stay consistent. Below are some tips on getting you started:

Tip #1 Express appreciation and gratitude often.

Don’t wait for the evening to come for you to record your gratitude; if there is something worth noting, write it on your phone notes, say it to your friend, partner or family member and obviously write in your journal whenever time comes.

Tip #2 Write in your journal at a certain time

I don’t know how you’d like it to be, for me evenings work best; I have the time to pour myself a glass of wine, unwind, think about the day I just finished and write down the highlights and what I am grateful for. Also, sticking to a certain time of the day helps you form a habit and soon enough you don’t need to push yourself to do it

Tip #3 Write short sentences

Movies teach us to write down stories that run for pages and pages as journal entries. You don’t have to. Especially if you’re just starting. Use simple sentences such as: I am grateful for… because… ; I am grateful I was able to be assertive today when my boss asked me to do yet another thing because it’s something I’ve been practicing for quite some time. You can also be grateful for the people in your life, not only for actions and things; ie: I’m grateful for your support, I appreciate that you cleaned your office because it’s something important to me.

EXTRA TIP : You don’t need to stick to pen and paper. Embrace technology, make a journal out of OneNote or download one of the many journaling apps available in any store use.

I trust this helps, and if you are still unsure how to start, keep an eye out, I’ll soon share a workbook to get you started!

Joy is the simplest form of gratitude
Karl Barth

Do you trust your colleagues?

A few years ago, I was in a training to become a trainer for a topic I was (and still am) in love with – Emotional Intelligence. I made friends with most of the attendees, which was fun. For a couple of hours.

At some point, the trainer asked a question:

Do you trust your colleagues?

I was in my early twenties and I thought… this is no brainer… of course I do! so I say “YES” out loud. And all (ALL) other attendees said NO almost at the same time.

I was a bit confused, but I figured, it’s ok…we have a trainer, we’ll be ok, she will explain….

And the trainer looked at me and asked me again: Alex, do you trust your colleagues? I turned all red, everyone was now looking at me, I was after all the ‘odd one’ and they were all waiting for me to answer.

Someone else from the group decided to change their answer and say: “yes, I also trust them, until they prove me wrong.”

I said: yes, I do… barely hearing my own voice, honestly; and slightly questioning myself at this point.

To which she replied …. “See, you can’t trust anyone. We are all here to do a job, and that is all there is to it. We are all different, I can’t be sure that you will do a great job at hiring the right candidate (I was in HR) because I don’t know how you judge characters, for example”. I mean … she made a point. My colleagues seemed to enjoy it and agree with it.

I insisted a bit more on how we need to trust our colleagues but I have to admit I wasn’t prepared enough for that conversation back then.

But now… now I have a few questions.

1. If you can’t trust your colleagues to do their job, how can they trust you to do yours?

2. If you trust your colleagues until “they prove your otherwise”, is it trust, really? Or is the opposite of it (suspicion, distrust); basically just waiting for the other person to fail and then “prove” you that you “were right”.

3. Do you trust your friends?

Who do you really trust?

There is one thing that is common to every individual, relationship, team, family, organization, nation, economy and civilization throughout the world – one thing which, if removed, will destroy the most powerful government, the most successful business, the most thriving economy, the most influential leadership, the greatest friendship, the strongest character, the deepest love. […]
That one thing is trust
—Stephen M. R. Covey

“You see”, trust is something we learn from a very early stage of life. Trust is mutual. Trust is earned. Trust is built. Trust is learnt. Trust is taught. Trust is a feeling not a task.

And trust starts with yourself. Having trust in yourself is about the simple things: keeping your promises and your commitments, becoming believable to yourself and to others, doing what you say you’d do and staying tru to your values; it boils down to one, even simpler, question: Am I someone I would trust?

I’m not saying you should be gullible, let people mock you or walk all over you. That’s not trust in the first place. Build healthy boundaries and don’t allow people to take advantage of you and at the same time, do some homework on how to trust yourself and others.

Self trust is the first secret of success…the essence of heroism
—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Are they braver or did we lack information?

I recently saw a video of Hugh Jackman saying that he comes from an era where speaking up and speaking the truth was just something “we didn’t talk about”.

There is a 20 years difference between me and him and a whole lot of cultural and social differences too, yet how the hell is this still valid and how come we still do that “we don’t talk about that stuff” stuff?

This is related to the Olympics, and how some of the players decided to prioritise mental health rather than the competition.

It’s not how I wanted it to go, but I think we’ve opened bigger doors and bigger conversation
Simone Biles

Mental health is one of those topics that is very common yet very personal, social media is full of DOs and DON’Ts yet the real struggle isn’t in reading and liking posts, but in making a decision about your life, a life that may seem perfect, luxurious, unattainable for most… but which doesn’t fulfill you and doesn’t make you feel you own it… instead it feels like it owns you.

It’s not surprising that more and more athletes are making a decision to value themselves and their wellbeing because we do live in unprecedented times (I’ve heard this word so often in the past couple of years, that it changed it meaning to a sarcastic one). We spent more time indoors and online in the past couple years than we ever did in the past years.

And with so much of information literally at our fingertips, isn’t it easier to be more informed, understand that we are not the only ones struggling and that we are not alone?

To Hugh Jackman’s point… yes. The times were tough. People, not only didn’t have so much access to information (and we overall were interested more in how the world works than how we – individually – work) but they were also surrounded by stoics who would rather keep the walls up than show a slight of vulnerability. Vulnerability was seen as being weak.

The question is, what do we do to change this? These brave girls opened the bigger doors and bigger conversations, but are we ready yet to handle them ?

Just because you don’t want to talk about it, it doesn’t mean it’s doesn’t exist. Just because you don’t see it as a problem, it doesn’t mean it’s not a problem.

The masks we use to cover our authentic self

Do you have a friend who’s always funny? How about the one who has their life together and everything is always perfect?

I should probably start by saying that I’ve worn some of the masks I talk about in this article and I didn’t know they were a way to stay away.

So, I trust this information comes in handy, it brings you some awareness and perhaps it helps you gain some insights about how we behave.

Our authentic self is confident, curious, trusting, playful, full of love and acceptance for us and for others. As we grow up, we develop defense mechanisms to protect our authentic self and to keep us alive. If you lived in a family where you learnt how to keep your authentic self intact, this is not for you. If you didn’t, keep reading.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com

Depending on what we see in our homes and how we perceive our family and the world in our youngest years, we develop and add these protective layers on top of our authentic self and soon we start showing up as the masks we have so carefully and unconsciously built for ourselves. As we explore life and show up as our masks, others add their ideas on top of our masks, making them heavier and harder to remove.

For example, if we develop people pleasing tendencies (of going above and beyond for others, always being nice and kind) the more other people reinforce these traits in us, the harder it is to create boundaries and put ourselves first because the weight of the mask becomes emotional: if we start putting ourselves first, we will feel like we let people down, so we’ll continue to live up to unrealistic expectations set by people who may not even care about us.

It is important to identify what mask you are wearing and what defense mechanism you use as a result of it so that you can heal from past wounds and experience deeper intimacy with your loved ones.

Very common masks that we wear to protect ourselves:

The Clown – Using humour, jokes and sarcasm as a defence mechanism to hide pain and to avoid intimacy.
The People Pleaser – Going to desperate lengths to win the approval of others because their sense of identity is based on other people’s opinions which makes it really hard to make decisions on their own and very easy to be influenced by others.
The Mr / Mrs Perfect – Making sure that others know they are ok, minimising what they are going through, always showing up happy, keeping the perfect image, bottling up emotions and dismissing their own feelings.
The Hero – Trying to save everyone, making themselves available for anyone at any time, sometimes in the detriment of their own wellbeing. Because of their desperate desire to save everyone and the drama they bring with it, they tend to push away the very people they try save.
The Bully – Using hurtful and mean language to hide their own insecurities. Behind their hostile behaviour lies low self-esteem and lots of self-doubt.
The Control Freak – Using order, power and organisational skills to run away from ambiguity and uncertainty. Everything must be neat, they are in need of constant assurance, they take responsibility for everyone and leave no one out of sight.
The Self Critic – Constantly projecting a negative self-image, using this mask as a protection mechanism, thinking that if they do it first, others can’t do “worse” than that.
The Social Butterfly – Filling up their schedule with as many activities as possible, they meet many people, attend many events, he / she is the busiest one. They make many acquaintances but really few (if any) real friends. They hide their insecurities behind small talk and superficial conversations.

Other masks: The Troublemaker or The Black Sheep – taking all negative attention on themselves to ‘protect’ others, The Caretaker – Constant need to support others, feeling guilty and uneasy when receiving support, The Patient – Constant need of attention, often falling sick when attention is not given, The Invisible One – trying to make it through life with minimum attention, avoids conflict at all cost.

What’s the key learning here?

We create masks because of an unconscious fear that our authentic self may not be loved or accepted by others.
Family, friends and society keep reinforcing the masks and as a result we keep wearing them.
As long as we live up to other people’s expectations, we will keep flaunting our fake selves around.

Are you using any of these masks?

Can you go back in time and identify the first time you started wearing a mask?

Becoming aware of these masks is not about blaming others for creating and wearing them, nor about removing them completely. It’s about understanding … how did they help you? Do you still need them?

She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by-
And never knew
Shel Silverstein

Always

The word that could damage someone’s perspective of the world and reduce their self-confidence significantly, if you use it continuously to ‘correct’ their actions, highlight something they’ve done or provide feedback.

It affects adults, but it affects children even more.

The other day I was at the mall and next to me there were 3 women with a little girl.

The girl was upset because she spent the money she got from her mum and now she wanted more because she saw something she liked.

I was watching the whole situation and I was genuinely curious to see how the mother will handle this. I was in for a very disappointing view.

The mother grabbed her forearm and shaking it and squeezing it, said out loud: “You always do this! no! You don’t deserve it! … Always spending everything and then you come for more!”

Right when the mother grabbed her arm, the girl fixed her eyes into the floor and said nothing. No single word. She slightly tried to pull her arm, for like a second, but gave up really quickly when the mother started shaking it. She was listening to her mum shaming her in a public space, in front of two relatives, who seemed to be ok with it. And she kept staring at the floor.

She’s about 4 – 5 years old…

It must exhausting to be a mother, I understand that. And if you choose to become one ( because it is a choice!), please choose to read some books about being a parent, talk to a specialist or two, for the love of the human being whom you are shaping and sending into the world.

This is so not: my mother raised 3 kids and we’re all alive and healthy. This is: your mother raised 3 kids who don’t know how to raise one.

To that girl: when you grow up, I hope you find someone to tell you that you’ve done nothing wrong! That when you are 5 years old, the only job you have is to be a 5 years old kid: to explore the world, to push the limits and to learn and to grow. You are not a financial adviser, you don’t need to ‘save your money’ and you have the right to be happy and try the things that your emotional, curious mind wants you to.

Your parents’ job is keep you safe, to love and nurture you and to create healthy boundaries that will allow you to grow and to learn. It is not to instill shame in you for the mistakes they make or to project their own issue and shortcomings on you. That’s never been a part of it.

To all the parents out there: before you use always on your child, make sure you never make a mistake.

If you want children to be able to make decisions, you must teach, not demand, you must accept and love not shame and punish.

Just because you lived it, it doesn’t make it ok to pass it on.

How to make your goals withstand uncertainty?

The mistake is thinking that there can be an antidote to the uncertainty
David Levithan

Many people make new year’s resolutions. A recent study shows that more than 50% of adults makes resolutions, but fewer than 10% keep them for more than a few months.

It’s been a long time of uncertainty but it’s definitely time to embrace it; for those of us who love control and certainty this may affect our resolutions and goals even more.

What do we need to know about uncertainty?

Firstly….It’s absolutely natural and normal to dislike uncertainty because throughout our development we learnt from different sources and situations that uncertainty is the gate to potential dangers – you can’t control what you don’t know, you can’t keep safe of what you don’t see, you can’t make a plan if when you don’t know all the details, you can’t set a goal without ‘knowing things’. Uncertainty seems to be one of the greatest reason for fight or flight and it sends us straight to our default programming.

Secondly, you absolutely must learn how to become friends with uncertainty, how to keep plans and goals going and embrace the unknown. The faster you become comfortable with uncertainty, the easier it gets to become more adaptable and more flexible when following a plan or when taking actions.

The only way to avoid uncertainty is to do nothing.

When you give in to uncertainty, you stop growing. Think about how unfair that is towards yourself: you’d stop growing and living because you’re afraid of the uncertainty, unknown and unfamiliar. That can’t be right.

You were born to explore the unfamiliar.

As a child, the only thing you’ve done was to become friends with the unfamiliar. A child will never say: “I’ll only walk 1 step because I can’t see the end of the floor”, or “That puddle is cold and muddy, I’ll try it later” – no. Children explore tirelessly, until they are taught by their parents, families and later on society how to ‘be’, what is ‘ok’ to do and what is not. Uncertainty however, has the power to make you question yourself. Questioning yourself leads you to push your limits, try new things and identify new opportunities. No new ideas ever came from “I’m afraid to try this”, “not now”, “I’ll do it later”.

To make sure you achieve your goals, set an intention to focus on your goals regardless of the uncertainty you’re going through, regardless of what’s going on outside of your control.

According to Brian Tracy, fewer than 3% of the people have clear, written goals and a plan of getting there.

How to stay focus on your goals in times of uncertainty?

Focus on what you can control.

When setting goals in uncertain times, it’s important to focus on what you can control – your thoughts, your reactions and your action – and by doing so, you’ll worry less about the things you can’t control and what might or might not happen.

Think your goals in 3P
- Positive – Goals are more likely to be achieved when they are phrased in a positive way. Who would be energised by a goal that sounds like: Find a job that’s not boring
- Personal – Make the goals reflect your passions, your values or your interests. Whenever you write down your goals, start with “I”, that will make them personal and you will be motivated to achieve them.
- Possible – this takes us back to ‘focus on what you can control’: earning $20k in 6 months from your handicraft business may be possible, but if you charge $10 a piece and you only make 3 per weekend, then … that’s not going to support your goal very much.
Prioritise your goals.

The year just started and you may feel more excited than usual to start many projects, work on more goals at once and that’s wonderful. However, it is very important to create a priority list when working on your goals, not all of them can have the same priority because you’ll feel overwhelmed, your focus will decrease, you’ll be tired in no time and you’ll quit before you’ve even started. And that’s not the purpose of setting goals, is it?

If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes.
Andrew Carnagie

Does cognitive dissonance impact your fit to organisational culture?

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cognitive dissonance is – the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change – in simpler terms it’s a mismatch of thoughts, a contradiction: saying yes but meaning no, kind of thing.

Everyone experiences cognitive dissonance at some point, on some level. People generally like to have congruency and consistency in their life and their actions: I can’t promise you something that I can’t deliver – you probably heard that before – this type of statements make it easier for some to identify when they encounter inconsistency between their values and their actions. However, it’s not always easy to recognise cognitive dissonance, but the feeling following it might give you a hint that you’re experiencing it:

Feeling guilty for something you’ve done
Regretting what you’ve said or done
Doing things against your values because of peer pressure or because you didn’t want to be left out.

Cognitive dissonance happens in situations like wanting to lose weight but ending up eating all those delicious carbs, or telling your friends you’re not going to drink tonight but ending up having at least 3 glasses of wine.

How does it look like in a work environment though? Imagine you found the perfect job in a store you love and you’re working with amazing people who once in a while ask you to keep the cash on the side and to tell your customers you can’t give them a receipt because the printer is not working. If among other things you value honesty, fairness and transparency – this scenario creates cognitive dissonance causing you to feel bad: you’ve done something wrong, you cheated, you lied to your clients.

Let’s take another scenario– you appreciate freedom and enjoy working in your own time and on your terms; you join a company with a ‘punch in / punch out’ policy: on the dot. And on top of it, there are people in Time and Attendance Department who send your tardiness reports to your manager every.single.week. That will cause you to feel trapped and will go against your value of being free.

Or you decide to take a personality test and while you always considered yourself a risk-taker, the result of the test shows that you’re actually risk averse – how is that for a dissonance?

When faced with situations like these, you’re going into the smoker’s thinking: I know it’s bad but I like it! OR I will gain weight if I quit, OR It’s not that bad and I’m not the only one.

The degree of dissonance we experience is triggered by the clash between our belief system and the new information we receive and it depends on the importance we attach to our internal factors (beliefs) and the external ones (actions, policies and procedures, new information, peers influence).

Most people associate the discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance with anxiety, regret, sadness, shame, stress and as a result of that, they will hide their actions, shy away from conversations, find reasons and ‘plausible’ excuses for their behaviour.

Accepting a work culture that is not in line with your beliefs and values, affects the way you see the world and it may change the way you see yourself: “The world is horrible”, “I’m not trustworthy, I lied” or “I am now a puppet of the system”, “I can’t tell my friends where I work because they know how much I dislike ‘being a sheep’”

How to deal with cognitive dissonance?

Adjust the level of discomfort until you reach a balance. Dealing with cognitive dissonance takes great behavioural flexibility and willingness to change. If the internal factors (beliefs) are more important than the newly found external factors (work environment), most people will quit their job. If it’s the other way around, they’ll adjust their behaviour to fit the culture.
Rationalise and justify your actions – in most studies people who have done something considered wrong, found a justification for their behaviour: I was just doing my job; I’m not the only one who does it. It’s not that big a deal. Other people do worse things. At times, justifying your actions protects your self-esteem. (However, this could easily become an excuse for negative behaviour and you must be careful not overuse it)
Selective exposure – Listening only to those who have similar beliefs and dismissing those who think differently; quite a common way of dealing with unpleasant situations in general: choosing the opposite of what creates discomfort. eg: find one other person with whom you share a common value (freedom) and be late ‘together’.
Reject conflicting information and avoid being a part of ‘it’ – easy-peasy. That’s when the cognitive dissonance causes so much internal conflict that you can’t deal with it: “I don’t even want to know what you do! I don’t want to hear about it. Don’t make me a part of it! I’m leaving!” Great way to stay comfortable and in line with your beliefs, however this doesn’t allow you to grow and gather new information which eventually results in isolation from the group.

Your moral code (set of beliefs) is your compass to finding your true north and experiencing cognitive dissonance is sometimes a great navigation assistant to keep you on the right path, or perhaps a signal that you need to upgrade your system and keep up with changes; Give it the right attention, be flexible and treat yourself with kindness.

To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest
Mahatma Gandhi

How do you handle difficult employees?

You were designed for accomplishment, engineered for success, and endowed with the seeds of greatness
Zig Ziglar

Is it that one employee who simply doesn’t get it! he’s hard headed, not collaborative, always late and the first one to complain about his salary? When was the last time you had trouble communicating something to your team? Dealing with difficult people on a daily basis in exhausting. We expect work to be the environment where everyone is professional and ‘ticks the box’ or ‘thinks outside of it’. Being responsible for a team is hard work. In many instances, managers are seen as leaders of company’s vision and mission who forget about the people.

More often than not, those who perform very well, get promoted because of their great performance and skills in certain areas: machines, engines, documents, finances and so on; being an outstanding performer doesn’t cut it for an outstanding leader.

When newly promoted managers find themselves leading a team of difficult and different employees, they focus on what they know best and they expect their team members to behave as they would have: “It’s a job, get it done!”, “I would’ve done it better, I don’t understand what’s wrong with him”, “it’s an easy task.” Dealing with people is not dealing with ‘yourself’, so if you were doing things better, faster, smarter – that’s you! To lead a team you must become behaviourally flexible, empathise with all your team members and help them out when they’re stuck.

Why do managers fail?

They ignore difficult employees, hoping they will ‘come around’ and problems will solve themselves. Ignorance won’t make problems go. Ignoring a difficult employee will cause others to be de-motivated, or ‘relax’ a bit more, knowing that the manager will continue to ignore difficult behaviour. Long term effect is loss of people and / or business.

Some managers choose ignorance because

They are afraid it might lead to a bigger argument or a deeper problem causing the situation to worsen.
They don’t know what to do. (yes, this happens) Nobody was born a manager – but with the right training and continuous development, everybody can become one.

They reprimand difficult behaviour with warnings and policies, bringing arguments and scheduling meetings about how wrong these difficult employees are.

Managers choose reprimand because:

They choose the easier and safer way – “by the book” approach
They are not confident they can change these difficult employees with anything else but ‘authority’

Of course, after everything else failed, these approaches are the only way. It shouldn’t be among the first options.

What should be among the first options?

Coaching and Mentoring – I asked a recent client who was struggling at the beginning of her career as a team leader, to describe a manager. She said: great planner, analytical, problem solver, customer oriented, strategic thinker and other ‘technical’ traits. Then I asked her to describe a mentor and she said: motivating, supportive, great listener, inspiring and other ‘human’ traits.

If you’re a newly promoted manager for a team of people who are performing something you were great at, get your ‘hands dirty’ and teach them when they make mistakes, show them some empathy – not everyone learns as fast as you, that’s why you are their leader; understand their pain and then help them move forward. My client eventually reached the conclusion that a great manager or leader must have a combination of both ‘technical’ and ‘human’ traits.

Give feedback – both positive and constructive feedback. If an employee has done a great job, tell him / her. Celebrate their wins, their knowledge, their intuitive approach towards work. If they made a mistake, tell them that too. Use the sandwich feedback technique and do it. Remember the most important part of feedback is time – provide feedback as they do what they do, not tomorrow, not at the performance meetings, definitely not when they decide to leave the company.

Photo by Antonio Batiniu0107 on Pexels.com

Be descriptive and specific of what your concerns are: “I noticed you sent the customer an email and you mentioned ‘it is not your responsibility to do that task’ – I don’t want you to use this vocabulary with the clients and I am willing to listen to your concerns and what lead to writing that email”

Don’t make it personal – as challenging as this sounds (and as challenging as it actually gets), stick to your employees’ behaviour and actions, not their personality. This needs practice, especially if you’ve never been in charge of a team before. Do not attack the person; e.g: you’re terrible at this job; you’re wasting my time; you’re just causing problems!; instead use lots of Is; e.g: I don’t like receiving my reports late, John and this is the third time I didn’t get them on time. What is happening? I’m willing to look into it so we can resolve this.

Make it personal! Wait, I just said … What I mean this time is: take an interest in your employees’ life. Sometimes, their difficult behaviour and bad performance are linked to their personal life. When you have the chance, ask them how is everything else going.

Let go. If you try to save their job more than they do, it’s better to let them go. It could simply be a mismatch for them.

It’s all practice and the best way to practice is to start. Understand that everyone has needs and it is very important to make your employees feel understood and cared for. As soon as you do that, they’ll return the favour, you will start feeling less weight on your shoulders, less stress and have more productive employees.

The way management treats associates is exactly how associates will treat the customers
Sam Walton

How do we estimate ‘self-esteem’?

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself”
Mark Twain

Self-esteem is our own perception of self-worth or personal value, it is essentially the opinion we have about ourselves. This perception can influence the meaning we give to life events, situations and the way we respond to them. Self-esteem could influence the jobs and the risks we take (or we don’t), the decisions we make, and whether we get assertive, defensive or avoidant when dealing with others.

Esteem is one of the levels Abraham Maslow added in his pyramid of needs, right before self-actualization, making it both an internal (self-esteem) and external factor ( the need to be recognized and respected by others) for our fulfillment.

It is important to not mistake self-esteem with confidence in doing things. Being able to perform well doesn’t mean we value ourselves correctly. For instance, we may confidently present in front of people and still have low self-esteem, we can be the kings of the party and still have low self-esteem; it is known that some of the world’s most beautiful catwalk models admit to having low self-esteem, especially in regards to body image – self-esteem is what we consider as our total worth, not our capability to complete tasks.

What causes low self-esteem?

Negative life experiences (adulthood) can bring our self-esteem down and make us temporarily fragile. When we have fragile self-esteem we’ll generally feel good, however when a life event negatively impacts us (eg: loss of a job, status, health or experiencing rejection) it may trigger strong feelings of inadequacy that could last from a couple of day to few months. However, as better experiences come along, our self-worth rises up. Successfully achieving a goal, positive encouragement and recognition will help recover faster.
Early life experience (childhood) that could be related to being punished, neglected or abused, not being loved, praised and accepted – these actions and non-action behaviours that we experience in childhood will make us form beliefs or perceive ourselves as not being good enough and could cause our self esteem to be permanent impaired.

For some of us who continuously experience difficulty in life, starting early childhood and continuing into adulthood, there is a higher chance of having our self-esteem permanently impaired. Our experiences can create prolonged struggles in different life situations and interpersonal relationships become a key problem. Self-help alone may not achieve the desired results in this situation and could be considered short-term fixes. If you continuously experience low self-esteem issues, contact a professional to help you through the journey.

Because of these two major experiences, we form negative beliefs that can eventually be broken down into sub-categories and can influence every part of our life, being it personal or social.

What fuels the low self-esteem?

Self-demeaning talk –You should’ve done better, you piece of s#@t! Why do you keep making the same mistake?! That was pathetic! You never learn, do you?. What you focus on is what you get, so by reminding yourself that you never learn, guess what happens? You never do.
Shoulds – I should have done this. I should’ve known better. The problem with using ‘should’ is that it creates something fantastic, ‘perfect’ and it keeps you in the loop of negativity; instead of moving to the solution, you will focus on the things you haven’t done right or haven’t done at all.
Anticipating disaster (anxiety towards events that didn’t happen yet) – If I do that, I will get hurt; If I say this, they won’t understand. You’re setting yourself up for disaster: firstly because you won’t do or say what you wanted to or you do it so hesitantly that the result will actually be as anticipated.
The invisible safety net – avoiding things that make you uncomfortable and shake up your self-esteem, will only keep you safe short term. As comfy as the comfort zone is, the growth is outside of it.

Get back on track!

Set self-enhancing goals – Setting unrealistic or hard to achieve goals, thinking that pushing through is the way, can make you feel inadequate when you don’t achieve them. It’s good to have big goals, it’s better to be kind with yourself.
Acknowledge your strengths and qualities – Write a list of as many strengths and qualities as you can think of. If you haven’t done this before, it may seem hard to find some at first. If it’s in your culture or family upbringing “not to brag” it’s even harder. But have a go at it!
Be flexible with yourself – Recognise that your perception of how it should be, it’s exactly that: your perception. So next time you think to yourself “I should’ve known better” maybe you could try “I’ve done my best with the resource and knowledge I had at that time. I will do better in the future”

Maintaining self-esteem depends on how often we practice these 3 steps. Having a healthy self-esteem doesn’t mean we won’t encounter negative events or have negative thoughts ever again– it only means that we know our worth and recognise a balance in our strengths and weaknesses – life events bring lessons and growth opportunities!

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection
Buddha

Is procrastination linked to frustration?

People and things do not upset us. Rather, we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us
Albert Ellis

Frustration arises when things don’t go your way or when a block stands between you and your goal. We often experience frustration when we meet with life inconveniences that cannot be easily solved. Technology and today’s fast paced environment increase frustration even more and many people have the so called “can’t standitis”. Introduced by Albert Ellis in the 1960s, “can’t standitis” is a funny substitute for low frustration tolerance, because those who experience it often complain about things, situations and people by saying: I can’t stand this / that / them. Infants and children show low tolerance for frustration because they haven’t experienced enough life events that do not meet their needs. As we grow older though, we start accepting that struggles are part of life and we develop higher tolerance for frustration. However, there are some adults who can’t seem to get over it. In movies, low frustration tolerance is portrayed by a teenager who has the perfect life, she is usually surrounded by friends who adore her (hence the belief that “everyone else should love and adore her”) but some other girl transfers to the same school and ‘steals the show’ – the movie usually ends with the teenager growing her tolerance for frustration, sometimes even becoming friends with her rival or changing her life’s perspective by cutting out old and ‘dishonest’ friends.

The basis of low frustration tolerance is given by “shoulds”, exaggeration and black and white thinking. Example: “People should always do the right thing”, “this is horrible”, “this is the end of it!” when, the main reason for it is the thinking behind the problem:

it’s the internet! It’s too slow! (remember the time when Youtube would load a 3 minutes song in 9 minutes?!)
the bloody traffic! And the jerk who cut you off!! (yes, once in a while someone cuts you off in traffic, but how you respond to that, it’s all you);
the luck, especially when it’s bad: this is my luck, I always get the red lights! (NO. It’s not ‘your luck’, it’s your thinking ).

When something causes us enough inconvenience, we disguise it in procrastination: we delay, avoid or put that thing off: leaving a job, making contact with a new acquaintance, working out, leaving a toxic relationship – not easy to do, because it requires action that brings some sort of discomfort at some level. This uncomfortable action is the reason why people are stuck in awful jobs, unhappy relationships and unhealthy lifestyles – the choice of staying (or not taking action) is more appealing because all you need to do is keep doing your old thing, keep doing what you’ve been doing – and the idea of changing or moving out brings pain and fear of loneliness, fear of failure or simply fear of the unknown: the “what am I going to do now?!” – so no matter how tough it is to procrastinate, it may have some sort of safety attached to it and some people wouldn’t let that go.

How can you increase your tolerance for frustration?

By exposing yourself to more situations outside your comfort zone. Ironically, after doing the thing you were scared of, it becomes familiar and it doesn’t frighten you anymore – you can think of something you were reluctant to try and afterwards it became so easy, you forgot you were reluctant to it in the first place. I remember how terrified I was before I learnt how to ride a bike, and how I kept saying to myself ‘it’s not for me’ , ‘I don’t even like bikes’ (the nonsense we tell ourselves just to delay the action!) – so, by going outside your comfort zone, I mean push the limits you’ve set for yourself in normal situations, the boundaries you’ve created.
By changing your beliefs about how people and life should be. Instead of “People should do the right thing”, try this: “I wish people did the right thing all the time, but sometimes they don’t”; instead of “this is horrible!”, try: “This is unexpected, but life is made of unexpected events”; instead of “this is the end of it” try this: “This is annoying, but not a disaster. Frustration is part of life!”

By increasing your tolerance for frustration you’ll start getting more things done, you will be willing to try new things and situations that would normally annoy you, will no longer be important.

5 by 5 rule
If it won’t matter in 5 years, don’t waste more than 5 minutes worrying about it.
Unknown

How to build sustainable confidence in 5 steps

The moment you become friends with your inner Self, you realize that the failures or hindrances that you met earlier were caused more by your disconnected status with your inner Being.
Stephen Richards

You’ve probably used the word “confidence” more often than you think. You probably have an idea of how a confident person looks like. You’ve said at least once “I’m confident about this” when you knew very well what you were talking about.

Confidence is the feeling or belief that what you do or say will have a positive or desired outcome.

Where does confidence come from?

Part of it is in your DNA (yes! Born with it! \m/), part of it comes from how you’ve been treated, and part of it comes from your perceptions of yourself and of the world.

Think about it! Confidence comes in when you are certain that you are providing accurate or true information. The opposite happens when you don’t have the information or the situation is unfamiliar – confidence drops and you doubt yourself and your abilities. Knowing things helps, but it doesn’t boost your confidence. Napoleon Hill said: “[…] people […] falsely believe ‘knowledge is power’. It is nothing of that sort. Knowledge is only potential power” and it becomes power when it is used, applied or organised into a plan of action. Confidence is like a muscle which you can only build by exercising. Not by going to the gym, but by taking small steps everyday into becoming the person you always wanted to be. The fastest way to do that is to become aware that you influence everything you do. Yes, I am saying it’s up to you! And yes, it really is.

Parents and best friends praise you on how well you’ve done a particular task, how awesome you presented, how amazing your food tasted, but reality tells you different. To summarise: yes, it’s good to praise people. And no; it’s not good to offer hollow compliments. As an adult human being, you are responsible to weigh the deed against the compliment you offer someone. A well-balanced appraisal will lead to a sustainable confidence release: too little confidence could lead to avoiding risks and missing opportunities while too much confidence could lead to being arrogant and smug.

If you want to build confidence that lasts, try the following steps:

Use facts in your self-assessment

Next time you receive a compliment that doesn’t seem sincere, check the facts. I remember a past situation when I was working in an airport, a colleague of mine was waiting for her clients at the aircraft and she paged through the walkie-talkie: “Flight on bay!” to which her supervisor replied: “Awesome job!” To everyone’s shock, my colleague replied: “What’s awesome about it? I didn’t land the plane!” – This is a story of an accurate assessment of the situation and the refusal of a hollow praise.

How to check the facts: What did I do? (refrain from thinking how you did it, because that may impair your accuracy, especially if you feel anxious or nervous when doing something new)

2. Mirror confident body language

Do this exercise while you’re reading: lift your chin, breathe in and straighten your shoulders. How does that feel? Next time use your imagination: how does a confident person look like to you? Mirror that and add a warm smile to it.

3. Remember something you accomplished

Visualising an event that made you feel accomplished helps your confidence building journey. If you find it hard to believe, go ahead and think of the last time you felt really good about completing a task and keep that feeling in mind for as long as you need. Eg: if you planned an event for work that went well and your colleagues and boss were impressed, remember how that felt! Also, it doesn’t have to be related to work or something major. Maybe you accomplished something personal, you participated in a running competition or helped grandma plot the garden. Whatever your accomplishment is, it’s important.

4. Let go of control

You are not controlling, I know. But, if you want to make sure everything is perfect, you are controlling. If it’s your way or the highway, you are controlling. If you are afraid of failing…if you don’t do anything, unless you know “everything”, you are controlling. While these traits may be useful, especially when making major life decisions, you need to understand that letting go of perfectionism in day to day activities, will help you build confidence. If your dream is to become a public speaker but you want it to be perfect, so you delay it… letting go of control means starting: small steps are better than no steps; It will never be perfect, because your idea of perfect is different of your audience’s idea of perfect and you will always want to improve it. Practice makes perfect. Remember! Everybody knows how to exercise, but only the ones who do it will see change.

5. Embrace yourself. Your.whole.self.

When focusing on the things you need to improve, make sure you love everything else that is already working great. Often, we forget to celebrate the small wins, we minimise the good things we’ve done because we focus on the things we haven’t done yet. Eg: If your manager tells you: That was a great presentation! Next time it would be nice if you asked more questions – the outcome of this feedback is great presentation not OMG! I didn’t ask questions!

Do yourself a favour and practice gratitude towards yourself first. In doing that, bear in mind step no1: facts are phenomenal for reality check. Be honest, be grateful and keep going.

When you’re comfortable and content with who you are, the voices of others who try and define, control or direct you, are not important.
Rachel Robins

_{As always, this information is for general use only. If you struggle with lack of self-esteem or low confidence, seek assistance from a licensed professional.}

Are you doing too much for people? Maybe it’s manipulation

“Because to take away a man’s freedom of choice, even his freedom to make the wrong choice, is to manipulate him as though he were a puppet and not a person.”
Madeline L’Engle

Have you ever found yourself doing something for your friend and wondered: why am I doing this? I don’t even have time for it, yet here I am doing his / her chores.

Have you ever been asked by a colleague to do something for him and instead you found a good excuse of why you couldn’t do it when the simplest and most honest answer would have been “no”?

It’s well known that when in danger you are pre-set to flight, fight or freeze but what happens in today’s danger, the “social danger”? what happens when you’re put under the spotlight in your usual interactions? a tough conversation at work, a last minute task added to your schedule, a conflict… Well, this is when a fourth option will elegantly and eloquently take over: you’re talking your way out of it!

How did you reach here?

When you were born, you were born assertive: as an infant you made sure you responded naturally to every treatment you received: if something didn’t please you, you showed them! persistently; you cried, screamed and whined. You wouldn’t stop until your problem was solved. Your parents would try to physically take care of the situation. Soon you’d learn how to speak. Before you knew it, your favourite word was no. Sometimes you would have given up food or your favourite toy just to exert your innate power of saying no. Physically stopping you didn’t work anymore, so instead parents chose to use words that will sooner rather than later make you feel guilty, anxious or scared: What kind of baby are you? Only bad babies don’t eat their food; If you don’t leave your toy now, I’ll ask the police man to come and take it from you! Or they may even invoke some higher, unseen authority like God: God doesn’t like kids who don’t eat their food.

You got the gist. This is a quite effective way of “solving” the problem, but it’s really just a dishonest way of dealing with it. The name of this “under-the-table” solution is called manipulation. Manipulation comes a long way (it may start at any time in life) and it appears in different situations: at home, at work, in social and personal relationships, politics, and so many more.

If you are still being manipulated in different ways is because you’ve been lead to think you’re not good enough, you’re not like your big brother, that you have to be like everybody else in the office, or that this is how nice people behave. Manipulation starts in other people’s words, but it grows in your perception and in how you experience what’s being said to you.

An honest way of dealing with the situation above when the child says ‘no’ to leaving the toy would be: “I want you to leave the toy, I know you like it very much and you can have it later, but it’s time to leave it now” that teaches the child that it’s not a bad boy behaviour, it’s not God who wants him to do it and the police will not take it. It’s useful for the child to learn that this was something mum and dad wanted and he doesn’t need to be punished or corrected for it because he didn’t do anything bad.

The unclear behaviour of manipulation is so general that it gives the receiver myriad ways to interpret it. The outcome of childhood manipulation is an unassertive adulthood, when you find yourself in situations you don’t want to be, doing things you don’t want to do. These emotional invisible strings do not disappear as you grow old and you will still have feelings of guilt and anxiety that others will use to get you to do what they want you to do. Adult manipulation goes into deeper emotional guilt, especially when both adults have learnt to master it.

To understand how manipulation may look like between two friends who mastered it, have a look at the scenario below.

Friend: Hey, can you pick up my daughter from school? She finishes at 6 pm.

You: (really wanting to say NO, but you can’t say it – and you don’t want to say Yes because you really don’t want to do it) Oh man… at 6 pm! I woke up really early and I’ll be exhausted by that time – leading your friend into feeling guilty for asking you to do something when you are so tired

Friend: (thinking to himself – I know! I wake up early too! ) She’s 14 and it’s the first time she’s leaving school alone –trying to make you feel ignorant for leaving a young girl alone on the streets just because you’re tired.

You: (thinking: how is that a problem? she knows every bit of this city) – I’d really have to go out of my way, the school is pretty far and the traffic is bad at that time – trying to guilt him into seeing how you’d really suffer if you do it.

Friend: (thinking: you’ve done it for Jim before, it wouldn’t kill you to help me too) – If I had to go, I wouldn’t arrive until 7:30 pm – intensifying the guilt now: with his harder way there and by making his daughter wait so long.

At this point you think to yourself: where is all this coming from? He probably finishes work earlier than me.

The winner of an adult manipulative – counter-manipulative conversation is not the person who wants to do the task, is the person who leads the other person into feeling guiltier and the result of these interactions comes up as frustration, irritation and anxiety. Without a mature and assertive communication, these feelings will guide you to a physical or verbal fight or to run away / hide from people.

If after reading this you still ask yourself how to respond to a similar situation, the answer is: state what you need or want clearly for the other person, without hesitation. Most people would ask me: how can I just say ‘no’ without a reason? My friend will feel hurt / stop talking to me / hate me…My answer is usually this: Is this relationship conditioned by your friend being the decision maker and you saying yes to everything? If the answer is no, good on you! start taking your own actions. If the answer is confusing (or yes), answer the following question for yourself: How valuable is such a fragile connection?

To take your power back, you must go to your basic right: the right of being the sole decision maker of your life. Is sounds simple, and it really is as simple as that. If you start practicing this right, you will start taking responsibility for every step you take, for every decision you make – it gives you control over your thoughts, feelings and actions. The more assertive and manipulation-proof you become, the more likely you are to reject the possibility of giving this right to others. You have the right to be the sole decision maker of your life.

“Do not seek your worth in someone else. Your worth is inside you, realize this and then find a partner worthy of you. Never stay if they do not know your worth.”
Tracy Malone

Why are habits hard to change?

“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.”

Samuel Johnson

Have you ever been told that you’re doing too much of something, or too often? that whatever you’re doing is bothering people around you, or that it’s bad for your physical and mental health? Perhaps you’ve thought of giving yourself a makeover in terms of habits and you want to change something old or do something new?

How do we get habits anyway? They are found in the same part of the brain that is responsible for memories, pattern recognition and coordination of movement. After you learn something new (eg: you learn to lock the door every time you leave the house), you do it consciously (willingly) multiple times until it becomes automatic and you’ll soon do it without thinking about it, unconsciously; it’s a habit. You may even ask yourself at times: did I lock the door when I left? And you can’t remember. Only to come home later and to find that the door is locked, because “you were acting out of habit”.

Why is habit difficult to change? While forming a new habit could be easy, depending on circumstances, rules, social interaction and motivation, changing an old habit, is not as easy. Because it’s an automatic action that doesn’t require your decision anymore, it goes through stages. Have a read below to understand more:

Precontemplation. The stage when you hear suggestions about the habit you need to change, but you don’t consider them. You have no intent to change the habit, and you refuse to even think about it: “it’s not a problem”, “it’s not that bad”, “it’s my life / my body, not theirs”.
Contemplation. You take a deep breath and you become aware about the effects your bad habit has. At this stage, individuals spend time doing the pros and cons, finding reasons and excuses to not changing anything; although they start to understand the negative aspects of their habits, they fail to see the long-term benefits.
Motivation (Determination). If you happen to pass the contemplation stage, this is the step where you say: “I have to do something about this!”, but this is a difficult step too. For example, smokers will throw all their cigarettes at this stage, they’ll stop smoking for a couple of days and as soon as they have a social gathering, they will find a reason to ‘light one up’. So, what you need is a motivating and activating belief: it may be health, it may be the desire to become a role model for the children, to get the dream job … and so on; Find yours, spend some time to understand what will determine you to make this change. At this stage, most people come up with a plan: call a clinic, buy a gym membership, cancel credit cards – whatever suits the plan.
Action. You are actively involved in changing your habit, the doing stage. You say you start going to the gym and you do! Every day; regardless of your schedule for the day. You watch your diet, get a personal trainer… This step is glued to your willpower. This is the shortest stage of all, however it does depend from person to person. At this stage, you become more open to receiving help and you are likely to seek support from specialists or peers.
Maintenance. This part is the “ongoing action” and the longest stage. You continue the new behaviour, no matter what. Bad news is: maintaining a new habit is challenging. Connect with your motivation, the ‘why’ of your plan.
Termination. The last stage; you have maintained your new habit long enough and now the old behaviour seems far-fetched. At this stage, most individuals are annoyed by their past habits (skipping a gym day brings frustration when it used to bring pleasure, if going to the gym was even an option)

Relapse is the door you don’t want to open, this is a stage that could come up at any time, between stage 3 to 6… people resume the initial unhealthy habits, because they relax or they get tired, they think they’ve done enough. In order to avoid it, you must go back to steps 3, 4 or 5. Remember, you are not born with habits. You learn them, you choose them and therefore you can change them.

Making a change takes more than willpower and good intention. Bringing critical thinking into it, definitely helps: “Exactly, how would this change be beneficial for me?”

Bad days and bad news come and go. Don’t let a couple of events influence what you started working on. When the motivating belief is strong, human beings are capable of showing unlimited amount of determination.

“The truth is that everyone is bored, and devotes himself to cultivating habits”

Albert Camus

_{^{This article is for general information only and is not meant to replace real treatment or diagnosis.} ^{If you struggle with addiction, seek professional assistance.}}