Is procrastination linked to frustration?

People and things do not upset us. Rather, we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us

Albert Ellis

Frustration arises when things don’t go your way or when a block stands between you and your goal. We often experience frustration when we meet with life inconveniences that cannot be easily solved. Technology and today’s fast paced environment increase frustration even more and many people have the so called “can’t standitis”.  Introduced by Albert Ellis in the 1960s, “can’t standitis” is a funny substitute for low frustration tolerance, because those who experience it often complain about things, situations and people by saying: I can’t stand this / that / them.  Infants and children show low tolerance for frustration because they haven’t experienced enough life events that do not meet their needs. As we grow older though, we start accepting that struggles are part of life and we develop higher tolerance for frustration. However, there are some adults who can’t seem to get over it. In movies, low frustration tolerance is portrayed by a teenager who has the perfect life, she is usually surrounded by friends who adore her (hence the belief that “everyone else should love and adore her”) but some other girl transfers to the same school and ‘steals the show’ –  the movie usually ends with the teenager growing her tolerance for frustration, sometimes even becoming friends with her rival or changing her life’s perspective by cutting out old and ‘dishonest’ friends.

The basis of low frustration tolerance is given by “shoulds”, exaggeration and black and white thinking. Example: “People should always do the right thing”, “this is horrible”, “this is the end of it!” when, the main reason for it is the thinking behind the problem:

• it’s the internet! It’s too slow! (remember the time when Youtube would load a 3 minutes song in 9 minutes?!)
• the bloody traffic! And the jerk who cut you off!! (yes, once in a while someone cuts you off in traffic, but how you respond to that, it’s all you);
• the luck, especially when it’s bad: this is my luck, I always get the red lights! (NO. It’s not ‘your luck’, it’s your thinking ).

When something causes us enough inconvenience, we disguise it in procrastination: we delay, avoid or put that thing off: leaving a job, making contact with a new acquaintance, working out, leaving a toxic relationship – not easy to do, because it requires action that brings some sort of discomfort at some level. This uncomfortable action is the reason why people are stuck in awful jobs, unhappy relationships and unhealthy lifestyles – the choice of staying (or not taking action) is more appealing because all you need to do is keep doing your old thing, keep doing what you’ve been doing – and the idea of changing or moving out brings pain and fear of loneliness, fear of failure or simply fear of the unknown: the “what am I going to do now?!” – so no matter how tough it is to procrastinate, it may have some sort of safety attached to it and some people wouldn’t let that go.

How can you increase your tolerance for frustration?

1. By exposing yourself to more situations outside your comfort zone. Ironically, after doing the thing you were scared of, it becomes familiar and it doesn’t frighten you anymore – you can think of something you were reluctant to try and afterwards it became so easy, you forgot you were reluctant to it in the first place. I remember how terrified I was before I learnt how to ride a bike, and how I kept saying to myself ‘it’s not for me’ , ‘I don’t even like bikes’ (the nonsense we tell ourselves just to delay the action!) – so, by going outside your comfort zone, I mean push the limits you’ve set for yourself in normal situations, the boundaries you’ve created.
2. By changing your beliefs about how people and life should be.  Instead of “People should do the right thing”, try this: “I wish people did the right thing all the time, but sometimes they don’t”; instead of “this is horrible!”, try: “This is unexpected, but life is made of unexpected events”; instead of “this is the end of it” try this: “This is annoying, but not a disaster. Frustration is part of life!”

By increasing your tolerance for frustration you’ll start getting more things done, you will be willing to try new things and situations that would normally annoy you, will no longer be important.

5 by 5 rule

If it won’t matter in 5 years, don’t waste more than 5 minutes worrying about it.

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