The moment you become friends with your inner Self, you realize that the failures or hindrances that you met earlier were caused more by your disconnected status with your inner Being.
Stephen Richards
You’ve probably used the word “confidence” more often than you think. You probably have an idea of how a confident person looks like. You’ve said at least once “I’m confident about this” when you knew very well what you were talking about.
Confidence is the feeling or belief that what you do or say will have a positive or desired outcome.
Where does confidence come from?
Part of it is in your DNA (yes! Born with it! \m/), part of it comes from how you’ve been treated, and part of it comes from your perceptions of yourself and of the world.
Think about it! Confidence comes in when you are certain that you are providing accurate or true information. The opposite happens when you don’t have the information or the situation is unfamiliar – confidence drops and you doubt yourself and your abilities. Knowing things helps, but it doesn’t boost your confidence. Napoleon Hill said: “[…] people […] falsely believe ‘knowledge is power’. It is nothing of that sort. Knowledge is only potential power” and it becomes power when it is used, applied or organised into a plan of action. Confidence is like a muscle which you can only build by exercising. Not by going to the gym, but by taking small steps everyday into becoming the person you always wanted to be. The fastest way to do that is to become aware that you influence everything you do. Yes, I am saying it’s up to you! And yes, it really is.
Parents and best friends praise you on how well you’ve done a particular task, how awesome you presented, how amazing your food tasted, but reality tells you different. To summarise: yes, it’s good to praise people. And no; it’s not good to offer hollow compliments. As an adult human being, you are responsible to weigh the deed against the compliment you offer someone. A well-balanced appraisal will lead to a sustainable confidence release: too little confidence could lead to avoiding risks and missing opportunities while too much confidence could lead to being arrogant and smug.
If you want to build confidence that lasts, try the following steps:
- Use facts in your self-assessment
Next time you receive a compliment that doesn’t seem sincere, check the facts. I remember a past situation when I was working in an airport, a colleague of mine was waiting for her clients at the aircraft and she paged through the walkie-talkie: “Flight on bay!” to which her supervisor replied: “Awesome job!” To everyone’s shock, my colleague replied: “What’s awesome about it? I didn’t land the plane!” – This is a story of an accurate assessment of the situation and the refusal of a hollow praise.
How to check the facts: What did I do? (refrain from thinking how you did it, because that may impair your accuracy, especially if you feel anxious or nervous when doing something new)
2. Mirror confident body language
Do this exercise while you’re reading: lift your chin, breathe in and straighten your shoulders. How does that feel? Next time use your imagination: how does a confident person look like to you? Mirror that and add a warm smile to it.
3. Remember something you accomplished
Visualising an event that made you feel accomplished helps your confidence building journey. If you find it hard to believe, go ahead and think of the last time you felt really good about completing a task and keep that feeling in mind for as long as you need. Eg: if you planned an event for work that went well and your colleagues and boss were impressed, remember how that felt! Also, it doesn’t have to be related to work or something major. Maybe you accomplished something personal, you participated in a running competition or helped grandma plot the garden. Whatever your accomplishment is, it’s important.
4. Let go of control
You are not controlling, I know. But, if you want to make sure everything is perfect, you are controlling. If it’s your way or the highway, you are controlling. If you are afraid of failing…if you don’t do anything, unless you know “everything”, you are controlling. While these traits may be useful, especially when making major life decisions, you need to understand that letting go of perfectionism in day to day activities, will help you build confidence. If your dream is to become a public speaker but you want it to be perfect, so you delay it… letting go of control means starting: small steps are better than no steps; It will never be perfect, because your idea of perfect is different of your audience’s idea of perfect and you will always want to improve it. Practice makes perfect. Remember! Everybody knows how to exercise, but only the ones who do it will see change.
5. Embrace yourself. Your.whole.self.
When focusing on the things you need to improve, make sure you love everything else that is already working great. Often, we forget to celebrate the small wins, we minimise the good things we’ve done because we focus on the things we haven’t done yet. Eg: If your manager tells you: That was a great presentation! Next time it would be nice if you asked more questions – the outcome of this feedback is great presentation not OMG! I didn’t ask questions!
Do yourself a favour and practice gratitude towards yourself first. In doing that, bear in mind step no1: facts are phenomenal for reality check. Be honest, be grateful and keep going.
When you’re comfortable and content with who you are, the voices of others who try and define, control or direct you, are not important.
Rachel Robins
As always, this information is for general use only. If you struggle with lack of self-esteem or low confidence, seek assistance from a licensed professional.
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