“Because to take away a man’s freedom of choice, even his freedom to make the wrong choice, is to manipulate him as though he were a puppet and not a person.”
Madeline L’Engle
Have you ever found yourself doing something for your friend and wondered: why am I doing this? I don’t even have time for it, yet here I am doing his / her chores.
Have you ever been asked by a colleague to do something for him and instead you found a good excuse of why you couldn’t do it when the simplest and most honest answer would have been “no”?
It’s well known that when in danger you are pre-set to flight, fight or freeze but what happens in today’s danger, the “social danger”? what happens when you’re put under the spotlight in your usual interactions? a tough conversation at work, a last minute task added to your schedule, a conflict… Well, this is when a fourth option will elegantly and eloquently take over: you’re talking your way out of it!
How did you reach here?
When you were born, you were born assertive: as an infant you made sure you responded naturally to every treatment you received: if something didn’t please you, you showed them! persistently; you cried, screamed and whined. You wouldn’t stop until your problem was solved. Your parents would try to physically take care of the situation. Soon you’d learn how to speak. Before you knew it, your favourite word was no. Sometimes you would have given up food or your favourite toy just to exert your innate power of saying no. Physically stopping you didn’t work anymore, so instead parents chose to use words that will sooner rather than later make you feel guilty, anxious or scared: What kind of baby are you? Only bad babies don’t eat their food; If you don’t leave your toy now, I’ll ask the police man to come and take it from you! Or they may even invoke some higher, unseen authority like God: God doesn’t like kids who don’t eat their food.
You got the gist. This is a quite effective way of “solving” the problem, but it’s really just a dishonest way of dealing with it. The name of this “under-the-table” solution is called manipulation. Manipulation comes a long way (it may start at any time in life) and it appears in different situations: at home, at work, in social and personal relationships, politics, and so many more.
If you are still being manipulated in different ways is because you’ve been lead to think you’re not good enough, you’re not like your big brother, that you have to be like everybody else in the office, or that this is how nice people behave. Manipulation starts in other people’s words, but it grows in your perception and in how you experience what’s being said to you.
An honest way of dealing with the situation above when the child says ‘no’ to leaving the toy would be: “I want you to leave the toy, I know you like it very much and you can have it later, but it’s time to leave it now” that teaches the child that it’s not a bad boy behaviour, it’s not God who wants him to do it and the police will not take it. It’s useful for the child to learn that this was something mum and dad wanted and he doesn’t need to be punished or corrected for it because he didn’t do anything bad.
The unclear behaviour of manipulation is so general that it gives the receiver myriad ways to interpret it. The outcome of childhood manipulation is an unassertive adulthood, when you find yourself in situations you don’t want to be, doing things you don’t want to do. These emotional invisible strings do not disappear as you grow old and you will still have feelings of guilt and anxiety that others will use to get you to do what they want you to do. Adult manipulation goes into deeper emotional guilt, especially when both adults have learnt to master it.
To understand how manipulation may look like between two friends who mastered it, have a look at the scenario below.
Friend: Hey, can you pick up my daughter from school? She finishes at 6 pm.
You: (really wanting to say NO, but you can’t say it – and you don’t want to say Yes because you really don’t want to do it) Oh man… at 6 pm! I woke up really early and I’ll be exhausted by that time – leading your friend into feeling guilty for asking you to do something when you are so tired
Friend: (thinking to himself – I know! I wake up early too! ) She’s 14 and it’s the first time she’s leaving school alone –trying to make you feel ignorant for leaving a young girl alone on the streets just because you’re tired.
You: (thinking: how is that a problem? she knows every bit of this city) – I’d really have to go out of my way, the school is pretty far and the traffic is bad at that time – trying to guilt him into seeing how you’d really suffer if you do it.
Friend: (thinking: you’ve done it for Jim before, it wouldn’t kill you to help me too) – If I had to go, I wouldn’t arrive until 7:30 pm – intensifying the guilt now: with his harder way there and by making his daughter wait so long.
At this point you think to yourself: where is all this coming from? He probably finishes work earlier than me.
The winner of an adult manipulative – counter-manipulative conversation is not the person who wants to do the task, is the person who leads the other person into feeling guiltier and the result of these interactions comes up as frustration, irritation and anxiety. Without a mature and assertive communication, these feelings will guide you to a physical or verbal fight or to run away / hide from people.
If after reading this you still ask yourself how to respond to a similar situation, the answer is: state what you need or want clearly for the other person, without hesitation. Most people would ask me: how can I just say ‘no’ without a reason? My friend will feel hurt / stop talking to me / hate me…My answer is usually this: Is this relationship conditioned by your friend being the decision maker and you saying yes to everything? If the answer is no, good on you! start taking your own actions. If the answer is confusing (or yes), answer the following question for yourself: How valuable is such a fragile connection?
To take your power back, you must go to your basic right: the right of being the sole decision maker of your life. Is sounds simple, and it really is as simple as that. If you start practicing this right, you will start taking responsibility for every step you take, for every decision you make – it gives you control over your thoughts, feelings and actions. The more assertive and manipulation-proof you become, the more likely you are to reject the possibility of giving this right to others. You have the right to be the sole decision maker of your life.
“Do not seek your worth in someone else. Your worth is inside you, realize this and then find a partner worthy of you. Never stay if they do not know your worth.”
Tracy Malone
As Simple As That - HR and Leadership Coaching 