Control and influence or learn to let go

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude” – Maya Angelou

Human beings seek control and dislike uncertainty, ambiguity and the unknown. We have expectations and we put our hope in people, situations and organisations. We go to work and expect to get a promotion, we make a friend and we expect support, we plan a holiday and we expect it to meet our dreams. Yet , it doesn’t work this way, it doesn’t always happen to have your expectations met. And that’s when you get hurt, you suffer, you hate others for getting “what you deserved in the first place” , you quit, you have negative thoughts and there goes the long chain of bitterness.

Why do people get stuck in the chain of bitterness? Because they can’t seem to understand their area of control and influence and more importantly the area where they don’t have any of them.

Take a look at the sphere below:

At the core of it, it’s you and the wonderful area you can control.

Immediately outside it, is the area you can influence.

Once your influence area ends, there’s a massive area of concern and unknown that you can’t control or influence.

For example:

You can control the time you leave the house but you can’t control the traffic to the office.

You can influence your colleague to cover for you but you can’t control what she thinks of you.

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The world is full of triggers that fill you with frustration, disappointment, jealousy and pain.

What can you do about it?  

Focus on the things you can control and influence.

Start by acknowledging what you actually control and influence everyday ( eg: what time you wake up, what you have for breakfast – whether you choose to have breakfast at all, what means of transport you use to go to work, how you respond to people, your attitude, how much effort you put into what you do) and less on what you can’t influence or control (what people think of you, how bad the traffic gets on your way to work, what others achieve, what the weather looks like)

A great way to get going would be to start using the sphere and write your own details in each part of it. If you’re still confused whether something is in your control or not, ask yourself : Can I change it? Can I do it differently? If the answer is yes, then you control or influence the task, hence the outcome depends on you.

If the answer is no, don’t beat yourself up, work on enlarging your sphere of influence/control by connecting with people and investing in yourself. Will share more tips and tricks about this in future articles.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” – Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man